These words have been running through my mind over and over for the past two weeks. Live unapologetically. Live unapologetically. Every morning, upon waking up, I remind myself of this. Slowly but surely, this practice is transforming my life. It’s changing the way I approach my work, my relationships, the way I spend my time, what I let myself or don’t let myself do. But what does it even mean to live unapologetically? Since the best way to understand anything is in comparison to something else, let’s begin by asking, what does it mean to live apologetically?
I realised recently that from the age of four, I have spent most of my life living through apologies. Apologies of speech, of action, of choice. I have felt guilty for wanting, for dreaming, for needing. And I have also come to understand that so many of us live with a deep concern for the opinion of others about our actions. We live in a prison. An internal one. And in so many ways, we live in fear. The biggest obstacle to living the life that we believe in, the life that fulfils us, the life that leaves us satisfied at the end of a long day and eager at the beginning of a new one - is not giving ourselves permission to do what we feel we need to do. We are all waiting on someone to give us the green light. So often, we ask for advice as a form of reassurance, not because we really need advice. We don’t need anyone else’s opinion. It’s just that we don’t believe enough in our own. We commit to actions because we believe that this is how we would like to be seen, not because we believe in them.
Living apologetically essentially means living with guilt for wanting something. For having dreams and aspirations. It means submitting to others’ perception of us. It means living with a system of reference other than your own.
And the whole time, we live with shame and guilt for what we really want. Or at least I did. I know I’m not alone. If you’re reading this and you can relate to what I’m saying, please read on, because I have found the panacea for how to live freely. Or at least how to try. Anyway, it’s all about trying, isn’t it?
How do you free yourself?
Make space for yourself - learn to establish boundaries; learn to say no. People have a tendency to push for what they want from you. Don’t yield. Learn to fight for what you want and for what you believe in. Learn to do what you firmly believe in no matter who is saying what. Does that scare you? Good. It scares me too. Do it anyway. Believe me, you don’t need anyone’s permission. And you cannot be stopped. Repeat after me - you cannot be stopped.
Truth is, you don’t owe anyone anything. You don’t owe anyone any validation or justification. You don’t have to do anything because someone demands it of you. No one has the right to dictate your actions. No one has the right to try to change your path. Your life is your own. You have free will: use it.
Standing your ground can be very challenging. For me, it was and sometimes still is one of the most nerve wracking actions to take. The reason being is that I think many of us still don’t believe that we are worth standing up for ourselves. Most people are good at defending another, not quite as good at defending themselves. But you are a worthy cause. Remember that.
Communication - you can’t live your truth if you don’t speak your truth. We are not little islands peacefully drifting through life. A huge element of human existence is our interaction with one another. If everyone just minded their own business, life would be a breeze. But it doesn’t work that way. People have opinions, positions, agendas, ideas. We’re all influencers. We all have power over one another. If you don’t communicate what you want or what you believe in, someone else will make that decision for you. And it’s not their fault. They’re not the bad guy. They are simply unaware of what you want and what you need because you are not communicating it. It can be terrifying to speak what you believe in. It can be terrifying even to say something as simple as, “no.” What a scary word, isn’t it? “No.” But it is essential. And if you ever want to live the way you want to live, you have to become best friends with that word. How do you do that? How do you find the courage to say that? How do you claim your rights? Because you’ve got to claim then, nobody - NOBODY - will give them to you for free. Well, you’ve simply got to believe you’re worth it. You’ve got to know deep down that you’re the shit. Sorry for the jargon. But that’s just the straightest way to say it. YOU ARE WORTH IT. All those struggles. All those lessons. Do you think that it’s all for nothing? Don’t make it be nothing. Make it mean something. Prove to yourself that it wasn’t all in vain.
Speak your desires. And if you see that someone doesn't want to understand you - well, then you’ve simply created space for someone who does. Honesty allows one to easily eliminate those elements of their life which is based on falsehood. Relationships based on lies are no relationships at all - they are transactions. You don’t need that. Speak your mind, ask for what you believe is fair and if that doesn’t resonate with the other person, move on.
You have the right to desire - yes you do. You are not here simply to drift and accept everything coming your way and never have any aspirations of your own. Oh, no. You’re here to dream big, to act big, to believe fervently and valiantly in your own little self. Let me make it simple - if you want something, go get it. You have it in you. If you want that career, take the first step. If you want to ask out that girl/guy, do it. If it doesn’t work, it doesn't matter. You tried. But you have the right to aspire, I want you to remember that. Because I wish someone told me that before I discovered it myself.
Become your own best friend. Consider the fact that you have needs and wants. I used to have a tendency to erase myself in order to appeal to others. To strip myself of thinking for myself. It doesn’t work, no matter how much you try. If you put your energy to anything, at least let it be something that truly works.
Learn to be alone - there is nothing more liberating than learning to master your own company. Running to someone else for solace is one of the easiest ways of escaping our own disturbances, but no amount of company will ever soothe the unmended wound you carry around. At some point, it is essential to understand that your company is the best company - no matter how much we may love other people, ultimately, the most significant relationship we will ever have is the one with ourselves. Spending time alone allows you to study yourself and understand what makes you happy, what is essential for your fulfillment. Moreover, solitude removes that external reference - our focus shifts from the outside to the inside.
Now, it’s time to take action….
What can you do everyday to begin living with fewer apologies? It won’t change overnight. It takes practice. So what’s your unapologetic action of the week?
Allow for the possibility of messing up - one of the biggest reasons to perpetually live with feelings of guilt and shame is the lack of acceptance of messing up. However, being bad at something is essential to ever being good at it. Making mistakes is essential to learning lessons. And messing up is a part of the human experience. Imperfection is in your DNA. Don’t suppress it, embrace it. Our dissatisfaction with the ways things are, with the way we are, with where we are, is what drives us forward. Perfection is stagnant, imperfection is dynamic. In order to move anywhere, one has to be willing to make mistakes and accept them with grace.
Phrases to remember on your way to living with fewer apologies…
I am enough
I am worthy
I am lovable as I am
I am powerful
I trust myself
Others’ opinion of me is none of my business
I do not live to please people
Actions to take:
Do something that scares you and challenges you
Prove yourself wrong - all that negative self-perception? Prove it wrong. Defy your own self-image. Defy all the lies about yourself that you believed in. You are so beautiful, so capable. Defy the haters.
Learn to love yourself even when you don’t like yourself - you will make mistakes that make you want to hit yourself over the head; in those moments when all you want to do is plunge into a vicious cycle of self-loathing, greet yourself with love instead. Be gentle with yourself when you want to be unkind. This is life changing. Even when you think you don’t deserve it, never plunge into self-deprecation. That’s not allowed. Just try to do better next time. Learn your lesson and move on. Do not make conclusions as to who you are.
It’s up to you, now….
Well, I’ve told my story, my part. Now it’s up to you to start living your unapologetic life. What can you do this week to move closer to the life you envision? What suppressive element can you remove from your life? What can you do to feel more free?
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