Photo by: Giorgos Charalambous
The other day, I was reading a post about Amanda Palmer and found out that she and her husband of nine years, Neil Gaiman, split up in 2020. What struck me most was not the news itself (although I was quite shocked), but rather what Amanda Palmer said in response to this event. Although “heartbroken”, she chose to take a decisive stance of “radical compassion”. Something about the way she phrased it - radical compassion - really struck a chord with me.
It made me wonder how often I practice compassion in my daily life - towards myself, towards others, towards my environment. I began questioning my actions, my decisions and reading this made me realise how often and how easy it is to not follow one’s truth - which, in my case, is to live compassionately. The issue is that we think we are living compassionately - but are we really? We carry so many unreleased emotions, forgotten emotions, unresolved, deep imbalances within us that the fine line between living as who you’d like to be and living as who you are settling to be is dangerously easy to cross.
Especially, in our world today, softness of the heart is hard to come by. In truth, what our society has made to be perceived as weak, naive, immature and idealistic is the exact opposite. We all go through all kinds of trials and tribulations, painful experiences, disillusionment, betrayed expectations, hurt, loss, and so on. But each time - no matter how great the wound - we have a choice. Do we use this as a lesson to become wiser, stronger, more firmly rooted in compassion? Or do we choose to render ourselves bitter and cynical ? The choice is ours.
There is great polarity that is arising in our world today. Increasingly, there are massive processes which are destroying our world at a very rapid rate - deforestation, hunger, poverty, monopolistic corporations ruling the markets and abusing weaker states, the destruction of the soil with GMO, pesticides, new and increasingly lethal diseases, climate change, homogenisation of local cultures through globalisation…the list can go on and on endlessly. These phenomena have such great success is pervading our world because as human beings, we remain divided. We remain polarised - by our religious, cultural, traditional beliefs as well as by deeply programmed prejudice, economic inequity, but perhaps most importantly - our own, unresolved inner issues which prevent us from seeing with clarity and kindness.
Leo Tolstoy wrote that, “Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Indeed, it is dangerously easy to criticise and judge the world, others, it is so easy to be perpetually dissatisfied with everything. There is a lot of legitimisation of this attitude in our modern day society. Victim mentality, justification of resentments and pent up anger. Yes, anger occurs. So does dissatisfaction. Our world is not an easy place to live in. In fact, it seems to be getting harder by the minute.
However, there are some universal truths that remain. Working on yourself, embettering yourself, living with compassion towards yourself as well as other beings, striving to see the good in any situation. This never goes out of style. Just because social values change doesn’t mean that core truths will change. They don’t. Kindness has eternally been regarded as a virtue. So has patience. Diligence. Disciplined work. These aren’t going anywhere, no matter what’s going on in the world.
What often goes overlooked is the fact that living in the state of “radical compassion” as Amanda Palmer put it - requires a great deal of personal discipline, commitment and resilience. Kindness by virtue implies strength. Perpetually approaching any person with an open heart requires the strength of not extrapolating past experiences on the present moment. I think I’m not alone in saying that it certainly does not come easy. Some of us are more traumatised than others.
But, I have come to the realisation that more than ever, what we need today is exactly that - radical compassion. The practice is revolutionary. I have learned this from personal experience. Ever since reading that post, I woke up every morning with these words running through my mind. Then I decided to put it into practice. What if I cease to be on the defensive in any situation, regardless of what someone may have done to me? Or perhaps, what I have perceived them to have done to me. For our perception dictates everything. I tried it out and found the results to be extraordinary. Strange things started happening. People started telling me their concerns seemingly in search of understanding and solutions, my relationships with people that I formerly experienced stress with radically improved, I stopped being anxious around people who usually would make me feel uneasy because I didn’t know how to respond. This time, I did know how to respond. I knew that I would answer with kindness - but of course, also with strength - regardless of what was said to me.
I then realised that so much of the interpersonal anxiety we experience is a result of being afraid of what another would say to us for a lack of firm understanding of how to respond. That’s the issue. It’s not the being yelled at, the being criticised or judged. None of that actually matters. What it is, is the idea that we have to respond in kind. We believe that defending yourself must be as forceful as the attack. This is a false belief. The anxiety is not about them - it is about us. Because it goes against our human nature to desire to harm. It is simply not a pleasant experience for us. And the only people who derive pleasure from causing pain to others are those who are so deeply lost in their own pain that they have lost their sense of humanity. In many ways, they are servants of their hurt. As the saying goes, “only hurt people hurt people.” Indeed, so it is.
The most powerful tool available to us is the ability to remain calm, centred, grounded, compassionate and decisive in any situation. Does this mean that we need to tolerate absolutely anything? Of course not. Preserving your wholesomeness is still the priority. Without being compassionate and nurturing of our own selves, it would be quite difficult to do the same for others. In fact, the practice of radical compassion is actually for our own good. The (brilliant) idea is actually to protect your wholesomeness in a way that does not destroy your wholesomeness. Do you see where I’m getting at?
Responding with negativity, force and violence (not necessarily physical, it can be verbal as well) causes the one committing this action a great deal of stress. It is often said that kindness is not easy. But when your face is turning red from anger, when you can’t control yourself as a result of pent up emotions, when you damage your relationships because you are disturbed inside - is that easy?
I would argue that neither option is necessarily “easy”. Both require effort. Anger and resentment require perhaps even more effort and leads to a greater deal of personal and collateral damage than acts of kindness. So, the question then becomes very simple - what do we choose to apply our efforts to? Assuming, we are not living in a state of sedate apathy, which is a whole other topic in and of itself.
I created a little table below to illustrate the pros and cons of both strategies in order to make it easier for you to choose.
So, how do you respond with radical compassion without harming yourself ?
Before we delve into the steps, let’s take a moment to define the concept.
From what I understand,
Radical compassion is the act of consistently choosing empathy over judgement in response to any situation.
At least that’s what makes most sense to me...
Now, on to the steps !
1. Acknowledge the undesirable feeling that you are experiencing:
Being angry is ok. No one is canceling that. It happens - I get angry, annoyed, frustrated, and just plain pissed off. Sometimes, you just wake up in a bad mood. Things don’t go as planned. Human beings don’t like discomfort. We all respond differently, but being angry seems to be the most popular one. So, if it’s such a natural response, what’s wrong with it?
Well, what is not ok is acting in anger. You see, action determines everything. We can experience a multitude of unpleasant emotions, but it is what we choose to do with them that matters. We can either succumb to this transient moment of negativity and amplify it, extend its lifetime by acting on it. Or, we can simply acknowledge its presence, let it pass by and restore equilibrium. This seems like the most energetically, socially and emotionally economical option. The goal is preserve energy, not to waste it.
2. Take your negativity and direct it into some kind of constructive outlet
Sometimes, the emotion is too strong to just sit there and let it pass by. Not everyone enjoys meditation and breathing exercises. Also, sometimes you just want to punch someone in the face. Or kick something. Yes, it happens, I’ve thrown objects around in my room, only to feel like an idiot afterwards. So, our purpose is to choose a mode of response that does not leave us feeling a towering sense of shame in the aftermath. Because, in most cases, there will be a tomorrow, so spare yourself the humiliation of waking up feeling like a total moron (been there, done that…too many times).
The much better option is to take that burst of energy that comes with being angry, dissatisfied, hurt or frustrated and direct it into something creative, productive, or in any other way beneficial. If you’re so pissed off that you can barely sit, then go for a run. Do a few jumping jacks. To me, exercise relieves all my problems. Maybe for some, it’s better to write a note in your journal. Or is there a project that you’ve been neglecting? Learn something, make your worth higher in your own eyes. That is so much more rewarding than telling someone off, getting sucked into the negativity that they’re experiencing, or even just sulking in a corner with some chocolate in hand.
Be your own saviour. Take that pent up frustration and channel it into something that will make you feel proud of yourself. The key here is to end up feeling proud of yourself as opposed to ashamed of yourself.
3. Express what you feel in a harmonious way
Just because you have chosen to be compassionate and calm does not mean that the other person has done you no wrong. They might have done something horrible to you. It also does not mean that you have no right to voice your concerns if you feel inclined to. The key is to choose a response that resembles something like “Excuse me, I feel as though you are disrespecting me.” as opposed to, “#%$&#*((*@$#%&+$(^%@%@$#&$%*!!!!!!!#####!!!!!!$@^$#!”. You know what I mean? Say it, but don’t explode.
If you can’t respond calmly in the moment, take the time you need to recollect yourself - even if it’s days - and come back to the issue when you’ve thought it through and found your equilibrium.
4. You can’t control other people’s actions - let it go
Either accept their imperfections or walk away. You can’t control anyone and you can’t change anyone. The only person you can change is yourself, and even that isn’t easy. So, either accept who they are or simply leave for your own better good.
5. Accept that you will make mistakes
You might slip a few times. Or more than a few. You might say things you don’t mean to because you’re not in control. You might hurt someone’s feelings. It happens. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it just makes you human. Sometimes, we can’t live up to the challenge. That’s ok, we’re just here to learn. Learning involves making mistakes, understanding what we did wrong and then trying to do better the next time. Radical compassion takes practice, just like anything else.
6. Do something nice for yourself
Living compassionately towards others starts with living compassionately towards yourself. If you’re inner dialogue is filled with negative self-talk and self-deprecation, I assure you that there are only two options which ensue from that situation: a) you will extrapolate this self-judgement to other people and eventually see everything in a negative light or b) at some point you will just explode and collapse from exhausting yourself with the negative self-talk while trying to be a good person. It doesn’t work that way. You must learn to love yourself deeply and unconditionally before you love anyone else, which means that you must accept the necessity of doing some things that don’t make sense to others. That’s ok. Remember that by living in greater alignment with yourself, you are learning to live in greater alignment with others. It’s a process. It can take a lifetime. That’s ok. Just take it step by step and forget about the desired outcome. Turn your life into a perpetual art form. Make it into a state of being as opposed to a trajectory to something. You’re already there.
7. Look at things from a higher perspective
Ten years down the line, do you feel like having this as part of your life story? No? Then, don’t do it. Don’t sacrifice your peace of mind for a moment of weakness. Retreat, recollect and move on. Allow for people to be imperfect. Allow for yourself to be imperfect. Allow for life to be imperfect. Choose to see meaning, purpose and lessons in everything. Take it as it comes. Consider your life as a glimpse in the span of eternity, yet spanning eternity.
Compassion takes a lot of self-work, strength and patience. But it is so worth it.
Mantras for compassion:
1. I love myself deeply. I choose to be compassionate to my own self. When I need a break, I take it. When I need to push myself, I push myself. I live in alignment with my own self.
2. I accept that life is not perfect. I accept my own imperfections. I accept the imperfections of others.
3. I choose to see the good in everyone, no matter how hard it is.
4. I give myself permission to make mistakes.
5. The harm I do to myself is the harm I do to others and the harm I do to others is the harm I do to myself. I shall do no harm.
I hope this helps you move through life with greater ease :)
See you next time !
Hugs,
Sophie.
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